Jack Handey He is best known for his “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”, Handey’s “deep thoughts” were first published in an untitled essay in Omni magazine in November 1983.[5] In April 1984, National Lampoon published a piece titled “Deep Thoughts”.
Top Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king because I like people to do what I say.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Too bad there’s not such a thing as a golden skunk because you’d probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you’ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that’s my point.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, “I helped skin Bob.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go “Whoa! Whoa!” and flail your arms around, like you’re going to fall in.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey Quotes
When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as warlike, vicious people because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ‘Americans’ as their mascot.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I’d like to see a nude opera because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say, Flipper, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They’re sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Short Jack Handey Quotes
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I can bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, and then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat as much.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Of all the imaginary friends I’ve had, I don’t think there was one that I didn’t end up having to kill.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey Disneyland
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead, I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you’re a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don’t think it’s a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and think, “Forgive me, but that’s just too much.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirping, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirping rat, I think: Oh boy! I’m going insane again.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and think of what other words have “under” in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I ever get really rich, I hope I’m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Best Jack Handey Quotes
Do you know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S.This also works with men.)
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn’t know how to show it.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. “THAT’SMISTER SWENSON,” they said. Oh, my mistake.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
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Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you’ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that’s my point.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Do you know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Thoughts by Jack Handey
I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary!
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar because then, yahoo! I’d have all my money back.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First, take out garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here’s a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, “Well, technically that’s illegal.” It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn’t, so what, I hate this stupid party.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, “You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.” “Yeah,” I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, “What’s the matter, no jobs on Mars?” When no one laughed, I was really embarrassed. I don’t think people should make you feel that way.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion the tiger, or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can’t remember, all rolled into one big ‘thing’. This is truth, to me.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car drove it out into the desert, and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, “Hey, progress.” Boy, did I have a lot to learn?
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, “Watch for Rocks.” Martha said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark, there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy–something like that.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
At first, I thought if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “I did,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead, I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you’re having a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cavemen, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, “Hey look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everyone would get really quiet and ashamed because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength for me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn’t a guy in our class that everybody called the “Cricket Boy” because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, “You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he’s just like everybody else.” Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I’d invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping, I’d have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
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